Those sentences are only a glimpse of negative thought that I had. They came despite I am being aware or not of their presence. They tried to remind me that I will never ever be adequate and good enough to do and to be something. My negative thoughts were like a faithful companion, sticking with me wherever I go.
Everyone has their own negative thoughts, whether they are small or big, any normal person would still have worries inside their mind. Some choose to fight their negative thoughts, and some choose to obey their negative thought. I used to fall in the latter category. I became a slave to my negative thoughts and hide under my warm blanket. I felt powerless every time my negative thought came and remind how insufficient I was.
My negative thought would drive me into two places; it’s either self-blaming or self-loathing. I have spent years of my life loathing my personality, if only I’m not that weird onion kid who has layers of persona. I chose to blame and focused on my inadequacy when I failed to achieve something. “My negative thought was right, I should not have even tried, I will fail anyway”. I constantly said no to myself.
And then one day, I was so tired to be insecure and keep saying no to myself. I cried under my blanket, that I thought will always give me comfort. But the truth is, I hate being stuck under it. not moving an inch away from my comfort zone. I hate that I couldn’t even say a proper hello to someone because I am afraid that people will reject me. I hate that I missed so many opportunities because I thought that I am not good enough. I was exhausted.
I tried to understand my negative thoughts, I tried to seek where did it come from? How could my negative thoughts overpower me?
I came to a conclusion that negative thoughts basically are like plagues, they seem small at the first glance and I tend to overlook at it and let it stays. I was wrong. I peeked again at those thoughts and realized how dangerous they actually were. Once I surrender to my negative thoughts, it’d strengthen its claw on me. It will gnaw at my confidence, destroying every bit of self-esteem I have left, destroying how I view myself. My world became distorted.
If negative thought crosses my mind, I am gonna let it cross but don’t let it stay. Negative thoughts don’t equal with my weaknesses. Negative thoughts are those plagues which are distorting my perception that my weaknesses are overpowering my strengths. They emerge from my misconceptions about acceptance. You are more than your weaknesses. I am more than my weaknesses.
But their existence is also important to remind me that everyone possesses their own flaws, and for me who is an idealist, it’s also to probably lower my standards and accept that my ideal self is so ideal because it doesn’t have any flaw. I should remind myself that, it is more important to be better than to be flawless. Thankfully, I’m both trying and feel grateful right now.
Originally published on https://reginacdewi.wordpress.com/2016/09/18/embracing-myself-fighting-with-negative-thoughts/